Why Does Your Phone Always Win? It Might Not Be a Willpower Problem

We all spend time on rubbish we don't give a toss about, get sidetracked by stuff we never intended to do, or fall into ridiculously annoying habits we know we've wanted to curb for ages. Afterwards we feel like absolute dog shit and beat ourselves up for doing it, again.

We tell ourselves "If only I had more willpower!". If I had that, I'd be able to stop doing "the thing", right? But there's a limit to how many times a day I can draw upon pure willpower to stop me from doing the thing!

Relying on willpower means we have to make the right decision over and over again and who has the energy for that?! We already know we're doing something we don't wanna do, but sometimes we just can't stop ourselves. Then we blame ourselves for being shitty.

I've struggled with this for a long time, but recently I've absolutely had enough. The changes I've already made (cutting out social media for the most part, deleting time sucky apps off my phone etc) have worked really well, but I'm not quite there yet. My phone and general internet time still need some work - I need to figure out WHY I was struggling so much to make the changes.

I've come to the conclusion that I've been approaching the problem backwards. I expect myself to resist doing things which are piss easy to do, while the things I genuinely want to do are trickier to initiate - so why don't I experiment with ways I can make those things easier and the internet/phone harder?!

What Happens When I Make Distractions Harder?

A while ago I deleted social media apps from my phone and iPad. It did help a lot as it made them a lot harder to access, but it hasn't stopped me altogether. I logged into Facebook on my iPad browser to genuinely check something a while ago and it's remained logged in ever since, ooops.

That being said, I used to mostly use it on my phone, so using it on that browser has meant that I don't touch it too much anymore, BUT I still take a peek more often than I'm comfortable with.

Another thing I've noticed is I'm not picking up my phone as mindlessly as I used to Instead I normally have a genuine reason for picking it up, then get sidetracked by something else while I've got it in my hand. Heavy sigh.

I can't just stop myself from using my phone - I know dumb phones exist, but I'm just not that kinda gal. I LIKE my phone for the most part. I just need to change my relationship with it. I need to create a boundary between intentional and unintentional use.

Deleting sticky apps has definitely helped by adding a bit of friction, but I need to create a little more for this next step.

Also I've said the word "friction" so much to myself, it's starting to sound silly - anyone else repeatedly say a word over and over again until it's nonsensical?! (Apparently that's called semantic satiation. There's your useless fact for the day.)

The aim is to not deny myself access, but to give myself enough friction to stop me from going down rabbitholes for an hour.

Friction Works Both Ways

Adding friction to my undesirable habits is only half of the problem. If I make my phone shit harder to do, but don't make something else easy to do, then I'm gonna cave and go grab my phone from whatever drawer I shoved it in and unblock all of those sticky apps.

There are tonnes of things I'd rather be doing with little pockets of free time during the day. I could be sketching, reading, learning new things to put in my commonplace book, or reading past entries. Only, I've unintentionally made these things harder to initiate than using my phone.

In becoming more minimalist, I've tried to find a home for everything, neatly organised and put away. This looks great, but hold up, I have ADHD - putting things away makes them almost dead to me. My phone on the other hand, is always right there.

There has to be a way of finding a happy middle ground between "I need everything to look neat and tidy" and "all of my stuff is out on the table so I don't forget it exists".

So I'm working on organising things in a visible and accessible way, without my brain going "Eeek! Mess! Ignore it all!"

Make the Things I Want to Do Obvious

I've learned that visual reminders are my bag - I keep my vitamins on my kitchen worktop right near the door, so I can't miss them. When they were in a cupboard, I'd end up forgetting them more often than not. My notebook gets carried around with me for the same reason.

I figured that I've it works in some areas of my life, why shouldn't it work with my hobbies? I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner, but I've decided to keep a small selection of hobby items in an obvious place. I've even gone so far as to make a list of drawing prompts, so that when I make up my mind to draw, I don't even need to think about what to draw, I can just choose from the list!

As I said, I don't like too much clutter around. When everything is on display, I become blind to it all and just end up overlooking the things I want to be paying attention to. I've found a middle ground - intentional visibility. That is, not having everything out, just the things I actually want to remember to use. For now, this looks like a basket of my hobby crap which I can leave somewhere obvious and can carry around with me. It's early days yet, so this may change, we'll see.

Giving the Internet Some Boundaries

I'm not trying to go all 'monk mode' with the internet, but I do need to make distracting shit slightly less distracting.

Apps which I genuinely find useful on my phone just need to be available for long enough for me to use them how I need to. I've found a few apps (Opal and Foqus to name two) to experiment with which will hopefully allow me to set app time limits, block apps at certain times of the day and ultimately be more intentional with my internet use. It's just a case of trial and error and keeping what sticks.

Messaging is a slightly different animal, because I don't wanna block myself from keeping in touch with people - I'm already crap enough at that as it is! Turning off notifications during times I don't want distractions will help me resist the urge to reply to messages as soon as they land.

My notebook is gonna be where I keep lists of "shit I need to buy" and "shit I need to look up", so I don't feel like I have to grab my phone this instant and do the thing or I'll forget it.

What Am I Actually Making Room For?

I'm not trying to make every single minute of my day productive. I think a lot of us fall into guilt-tripping ourselves into thinking we need to be doing something useful all the time. We absolutely *do not.

Since it's spooky season, I just read a National Geographic magazine about witches, cover to cover over the course of a few days. Yes, I jotted some stuff down into my commonplace book, BUT I did that for fun, not because I was being "productive".

So my aim to have a nice balance of feeling like I'm being productive, while also spending time with hobbies that make me feel good. Writing, making videos, drawing, nerding out on useless facts, reading and actually keeping in touch with folks - that's where I want my time to go. Scrolling Facebook and Vinted? Notsomuch.

I don't need to brag that my screen time is down to ten minutes a day, I just need to feel like whatever screen time I had, wasn't spent making my brain all "meh".

Circling back to our age-old nemesis "willpower", I realise I don't necessarily need more of it, I just need to shake up my systems a bit.

If - at the end of the day - I've spent more time on hobbies and less time on random internet bullshit, I'll be happy. I look forward to reaching bedtime without wondering where the fuck all my time went.